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My McBlog - simply because I seriously like rambling...
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Links
   A lavander tale - Grey's Anatomy
   Before any ot the rest of it - Grey's Anatomy
   Shards of glass - Grey's Anatomy
   Pros and cons - Grey's Anatomy
   Room service? - Grey's Anatomy
   Karma - Grey's Anatomy
   Does nobody sleep in this hospital? - Grey's Anatomy
   Happy New Year - Grey's Anatomy
   Merry Christmas - Grey's Anatomy
   Bright Red - Harry Potter
   Clearing - Harry Potter
   Dark - Harry Potter
   Evil - Harry Potter
   Irony - Harry Potter
   Lightning - Harry Potter
   Sanity - Harry Potter

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Fanfictions

'Live forever, die alone - Amor Aeternus'

Now this story is quite interesting.

Let's start with the title. I spend a lot of time trying to come up with one that actually makes the potential readers actual readers and still captures the story. I can't say I'm pleased with what I did end up having as a title, but it's okay.

I - oddly - worked with one of Jack's (from 'LOST') quotes: "If we don't learn to live together, we're gonna die alone." or something. That's a 'live together, die alone', which came pretty close to my storyline. So all I did was write 'live FOREVER, die alone' and there was my title.

Part two of it is simply the name of the ancient magic keeping Draco and Hermione together through the ages. 

Now that. That I hadn't had in mind when I started writing. But as usual, the characters took over the story with their very own ideas 

12.11.08 19:28


'Dark' II

I totally forgot to write about it here: I actually did write a second chapter. I think I published it about three weeks ago or so... Honestly can't remember.

I'm in the middle of rehersals again and damn grateful for that, because it keeps the focus off of me and on important things. Staying alive isn't quite as difficult when I don't have time to think about killing myself.

But that was not my point. My point was: I can't quite remember when I published Chapter Two. However, I do remember writing it. I've had it half-finished forever and then decided to take mercy on it and write the ending. I was delighted I had readers (and reviewers) who liked it.

Most of them liked this chapter better than the first and I totally have to agree. I just don't seem to be able to get into Hermione's head, so I keep writing in Draco's POV. It's easier for me somehow - don't ask me why, I have no idea whatsoever.

It's not that inconvenient when only writing oneshots, but if I ever decided to start a multi chapter story, I'd soon be pretty much lost for words. Which - among other things - is the reason I keep to short stories.

Like I said, I love the chapter. It's quite well written and Draco's astoundingly in character - I think. As in character as you can get considering JKR only works with stereotypes (no offence). Let's just say I took her Draco Malfoy and added a bit of depth.

I don't have much to say, I think what I wrote pretty much speaks for itself. It's an okay story - pretty basic plot, though. It's been done a thousand times before and probably better in most of the cases, too. But yeah. Nothing to be ashamed of.

12.11.08 19:21


'If you could see me now'

I wrote that approximately two months ago, but after publishing 'Sanity', which - my personal opinion - is definitely the best Dramione oneshot of mine, it sort of felt a little trivial and insignificant.

I reencountered it by accident and decided it wasn't as horrible as I'd been sure it was. And since dear muse appears to have gone back to whereever it was she's from, I don't have anything else to publish. And that's that.

I sort of like it, but it's not a masterpiece. Post-war stories are somewhat interesting and I'm somewhat fond of them and the possibilities that simply ignoring that stupid epilogue brings with it are fantastic! 

Hermione is the last one left of the Golden Trio and the only person she still knows from that time just happens to be Draco Malfoy. And he treats her like crap, but she sleeps with him anyway (getting him drunk and taking advantage of her, since he'd never touch her otherwise).

I like the way I wrote it, it's a tiny bit different from everything else. And especially the last paragraph was fun to write.

But like I said - it's nothing special. And people apparently aren't very fond of stories without happy endings - they keep demanding a sequel! Sorry, this was meant to be a oneshot!

That said... Rock on!

17.10.08 16:37


'Sanity'

That particular little oneshot was basically born out of the same idea that has already turned into 'Lightning'. I'm talking about the whole Hermione leaving a wounded Draco on the battle field and he knows she'll be back and he'll be dead then. This is still not what I originally had in mind, but I tried writing that and it didn't work, so I assume this was my last attempt to put this idea into words.

It was also inspired by several pictures at 'Amour invitus', showing Draco and Hermione by the lake - the whole forbidden love cliché par excellence. I just love the whole hyper romantic atmosphere thing, I can't help it. Usually, I'm not that much of a sucker for that type of cliché, but it is beautiful, don't you agree?

'Sanity' is one of my longer oneshots and though I seriously love them all, definitely one of my very favorites.

I'm completely in love with the way it conjures pictures in your head, even though I hardly wrote anything but dialogue. The two narrating parts at the beginning and the end are plain and simple and keeping to minimum, but still tell you all you have to know. In fact, I think more words would spoil it. It's very expressive this way. And the dialogue itself it somewhat amazing, because you can somehow see it happening like this and feel what they're going through without stupid in-between lines. Plus, it's in character, I think.

There are some cute aspects to their relationship going from mere acceptance of the other's presence to civility and peaceful co-existence to a fragile friendship of sorts to actual mutual liking and perhaps maybe (btw, I always wanted to use that term in one of my stories) more.

I love how soft the changes are and how both Draco and Hermione have problems trusting each other. The hesitant attempts to make conversation, wanting to know school stuff and all... Draco not knowing how to communicate, with the horribly overdone almost victorian way of talking...  That was really nice, don't you agree?

Oooh! I loved the part when Hermione was asleep and he was insulted by her not answering him and the slight desperation because he'd been nice to her and not calling her 'mudblood' anymore and all that. Their relationship is based on Draco feeling lonely.

Let's face it. Calling Crabbe or Goyle or Pansy his friends would make him look a bit pathetic, wouldn't it? That's the drawback about being a Slytherin. You can't afford real friends. Hermione though, her friendship with Harry and Ron is completely genuine and she doesn't depend on Malfoy of all people being nice to her. Their mutual understanding is really born out of the fact that Draco doesn't have anybody he can really talk to.

This oneshot might be the most canon thing I have ever written, apart from 'Irony'.

The 'soft cake' bit, I mostly wrote, because that day I'd been eating a whole fucking lot of them (they're my favorites), but I think it worked out nicely, because they are muggle stuff and Draco naturally has to struggle with that a tiny little bit.

I adore writing drunk characters, since I think the whole 'no inhibitions' thing makes people so much more interesting (including me). Hermione is especially nice to get drunk, seeing as she is sort of an uptight prude in real life, as horrible as that sounds.

My favorite line:

Ya name. Draco. I love saying it, ‘cause ‘t sounds as if it’s dripping with deliciousness.”

So true, isn't it? His name is so hot. I still wonder why JKR gave him that particular name. It's too huge and awesome for the coward she had in mind when designing the character. All her other names are completely stereotypical, perfect fits for the parts the persons had to play. But 'Draco' doesn't sound like a spoiled rich kid or a mean little playground bully or a coward. It sounds too strong for a character that weak. Not that I complain. His name is part of the charm that is fanfiction him. And I'm so drawn to hot names...

Whatever.

Hehe, I adored the drunken kiss and Draco's reaction, but the sober again interaction and that kiss was even more adorable. I very much enjoyed writing it. Especially because it didn't say 'They kissed', but I let the characters do all the explaining. Literally! I tried something new out there and it worked out perfectly!

Uh-oh... Now we're getting to the part that happened after Draco almost killed Dumbledore. I'm sticking to the HBP plot, you may have noticed. Hermione's anger is painful. Especially the "You had me there, right in your arms, in your fucking arms and all you did was kiss me back! Do you know how much that disgusts me? Just thinking about it makes me sick!”. That was almost too cruel, don't you think?

I really was looking for the worst things she could throw at him. I wanted him to be really hurt by what she was saying. And mostly just hating himself. He does run off in the end. That part is especially painful. I think I did a good job there.

I was just thinking, had I really kept to the HBP plot, Draco would have had even more reason to be down and in need of a friend, and even more defensive and Hermione would have noticed that bit. So I guess, I didn't keep to the plot a hundred percently. But I still like it and it's pretty close to being canon.

I killed Draco. I tend to do that, you may have noticed. At the end of my oneshots, he's mostly even more miserable than he's been at the beginning or he doesn't even live anymore. I appear to like destroying him. Hm... Must be my eternal adoration for dark stuff and unfulfilled love.

Ah, by the way, the way Hermione didn't say 'I love you' in the end, but left the sentence unfinished... That was awesome. And perhaps making the clichéishness of it all seem less severe.

I think the story in this oneshot is pretty well-done and touching and the way it's written is nice as well. Thus (or ergo), I'm rather proud of myself for it. Melody (that's my muse's name, in case you can't remember) was back for it, as well, so I guess I owe her a big 'thank you'.

I'm glad I had some readers who liked it and added it to favorites! Means a lot to me!

29.8.08 15:45


'Karma XII'

I can't believe it either: I actually finished the chapter. I'd had it half-done for at least seven months now and finally I managed to convince myself working on it might be a good idea.

I haven't been doing a lot of writing lately, but apparently my muse is floating outside my window, peeking inside, trying to figure out whether giving me a tad inspiration might be a good idea. The window's open, by the way, so it's really up to her.

Even though my own creativity (and energy) has mainly been focused on acting and weird real life stuff, I did some mental growing and developing and even more thinking than ususal.

I've been rather introspective, but also been working on character design and different ways of getting some style into my creations. I've been watching people, analysing them and thinking about storylines (for once not putting too much into one tale, but actually regarding the personalities and ACTUAL ideas of plots).

My main topics will always be love, death (especially suicide) and the sick and twisted way the human mind works, with emphasis on relationships between different people. More than anything, I love stories, in which characters collide, are forced to get to know each other by circumstances and then develop a very fragile connection, so my focus will always be on that sort of stuff.

The last few weeks, I have taken a look at all the potential stories I got on my laptop and was surprised to see most of them are quite well-written and rather interesting, especially my original stuff. I dare say some of them are even a-fucking-mazing. I worked a bit on a few of them and was happy to see my muse (let's call her Melody, because I love music and it's not the name I'd give my kids, but sort of cool and unusual) hesitantly watch me from afar.

When I finally managed to start writing 'The diaries of Jane Doe', my big project that I have all planned out but there's still enough air for the characters do do what they want, I think Melody even smiled at me. Seriously, it's a great story and I really hope I can get someplace with it.

I also worked on 'Why we can't hate Dr McDreamy'. Yeah, I can't believe it either. Let's just say, the story's too good to not be written. 'Shards of glass', however, I did not touch. I want to be really good at what I'm doing again before I concentrate on something that means so fucking much to me.

And now, on to 'Karma'.

It's not the best thing I ever wrote, but at least it's an update! I even got reviews - which I didn't necessarily expect after my long absense.

Like I mentioned before, I'd already had most of the chapter written before this, but my passive-aggressive case of writer's block was so severe and rude to me that I couldn't make myself finish it.

I had a very hard time writing Naomi and Violet, because the only part of 'Private Practise' I ever watched was the 'Grey's' episode that had the characters in it. And I'm not sure at all I'm even close. They might be completely different people. Plus, I don't know whether Vi and Addie are as close to each other as described in my story. But hell, that's what you get for writing fanfictions about things you know nothing about.

The only part about this chapter that I really like is the end of the Alex/Melody (oh, my muse stole her name) 'conversation', even though her monologue didn't turn out quite as nicely as I'd wanted it to. I love the dry "I want a divorce" with the crooked grin after she kept yelling at him and wouldn't let him speak. And the "About damn time" was so much fun to write, I still remember doing that and it was ages ago.

Everything else was simply done because it had to be done. It's a filler, really, but a necessary one. I think the story will have only one or two more chapters, possibly an epilogue. It's definitely the closest to being a finished story I've been in ages.

Okay, that's it for today. Just so you know what I've been doing (at least the part that concerns the writing). Bye, c ya someday.

23.8.08 16:15


'The diaries of Jane Doe'

Just wanted to tell you that I'm still alive and kicking, at least as much as I can be, and introduce an OC story of mine to you.

It's not a fanfiction and it's not in English (yet, since I decided I should try writing it in German in order to be able to publish it), but I am sort of proud of the idea, even though writing it is hard, especially in German. I haven't done that in a while and my writer's block still hasn't completely gone away, so I'm having a hard time finding the right words or any words at all.

Anyway, that's the basic story: Jane Doe (because we/I don't know her yet, not her age, not her exact personality, not her looks, only her sex) has lost her diaries (what exactly they contain, I don't know either) and several (I think 4) people find them. These people are busy living lives of their own and dealing (or not dealing) with their respective problems, but get drawn into the things happening in the diaries anyway. Some start investigating (Simon), some start living in them (Helena), some start meeting people they know from them (Alisa), some start falling in love with the writer and person of Jane Doe (Tommy)... These people find salvation in the books, confront their own reality with it, change and eventually meet.

And that's when we get to the dramatic finale...

Those are the characters... 'Pleased to make your acquaintance'.

Tommy - 19, completely messed up on so many levels; I stole him from real life and don't know quite yet whether I can actually use him or not, but the story does not work without him

Helena - 65, has lost her memory; I'm not quite sure about her, I always knew I wanted a character who looks like her, but I only just started 'finding' her story

Alisa - 32, mother and wife; she has quite an interesting connection with the others, always indirect, but definitely present, especially with Simon

Simon - 28, drug dealer and regular guy; his twin brother is damn important in the storyline, though I'm not quite sure about the rest of his plot

SPOILER !!! 

They somehow find out Jane Doe is a psychopath, who tries to get attention - a family (!) - with these 'diaries'. Tommy - who has fallen in love with what he though was her - kills himself, Alisa has lost her family in the course of the storyline, Helena still doesn't know who she is and Simons ends up in jail for putting his brother out of his coma - by killing him. Thus, everyone's far more miserable and alone in the end than they've been in the beginning.

SPOILER !!!

22.7.08 18:40


'Evil'

Yay, I'm back! Still here, though I'm somewhat defeated and have officially given up trying to be a person with a life.

I'm suffering from the worst case of writer's block - at least concerning my 'Grey's Anatomy' stuff. Dramione is so much easier to write, because I can get angstier, darker there and because it doesn't mean as much to me as e.g. 'Shards of glass'. I am awfully sorry about the constant delay of updates; I hate writers like me, too. Tell my muse to come visit me, yeah?

This particular oneshot is probably the darkest thing I have published so far. Ever since I first read 'Water' by kissherdraco at cg, I've been feeling a tad insignificant, for it is brilliant beyond words (read chapter 12.2 and you'll understand) and I am not. Thus I keep trying to make my stories angstier than I've dared before.

This one deals with rape and violence against children. Not necessarily my cup of tea and I wasn't going to write it that way when I typed the first words, but somehow the storyline started developing that way, so I let it - as always.

I wanted betrayal, the moment when Draco wakes up and finds Hermione has told the Order members his whereabouts. The "I'm sorry. I really am sorry.". That's as far as I had it. I basically wrote the last scenes first.

Then I needed to find a way to get there and I had the picture of Draco sitting behind Hermione in the bathtub washing her hair in my head - which turned out to be rather small in the fic, but is one of my favorite moments in it anyway.

And upon thinking "Just what exactly could have happened to make them be together, possibly in love?" I came up with a completely angsty solution. I made Draco as evil as possible - seriously, I was sitting there thinking of the worst things a human being can do to another - and he turned out quite well, I suppose. I've always been a sucker for the really bad guys.

Then he wanted to find Hermione injured and unconscious, so I let him. Whether her wounds and critical state where actually a trap by the Order is up to the reader to decide. Originally, it was supposed to be that way, but I didn't want to write it out, so I didn't.

I had the whole gentleness thing, the short mentioning of his obsession with her back in school, but that didn't work as well as I wanted it to, so Draco beat and raped her, only to take care of her afterwards. That worked. Definitely evil enough.

I didn't want Draco to change, that's why even in the last scene he only feels "lost and somewhat sad", not guilty, full of shame and regret and remorse and love for Hermione. You see, the guy doesn't know love, so he can hardly call what he and Hermione have shared 'love'. He probably is in love anyway.

The kiss was like a soft interlude, I liked that, and it made Draco let her go, simply because he didn't like seeing her so upset and he didn't feel like killing her. Because he would have, had anyone found out about her being with him and still alive.

Her return was his doom, but I wanted him to make love to her anyway. That gave me the situation I'd written before and it fit.

Hermione's POV? Well, I think she's not happy about betraying him, no matter what he's done to her, because he's also done things for her. Perhaps she's even in love with him? Who knows? Not even I do. Let the readers decide for themselves.

I loved the picture of her standing there in the middle of the crowd celebrating Draco's Dementor's kiss, weeping softly. The entire scene was great to write, even though I'm not quite sure about the whole "no regret, because-..." part. It was different in the beginning and then I wanted to change it, but now I think I should have just left it out...

And that's that. I like it a whole fucking much, even though the title sucks.

I'm currently writing an OC vampire story and one of the characters - his name's Ray - is pretty much exactly like the Draco we have here. I always did want to work with a person so deeply destroyed and trying it out in this fic was fun.

The vampire story is incredibly difficult to write, because I have entire scenes completely planned out in my head. I know everything about them, the sound, the backround noises, the scenery, the faces, the facial expressions, the clothes, the camera ankles... So I'm writing it as a script, which I don't know how to do. Can't make a book out of it until the script is finished.

And I really wish I had more plot. The only thing I'm really good at is character design and relationships between them. But it'd be a great movie anyway. I'm a sucker for vampires. Pun intended. *grin*

I have also published three poems at fictionpress. I'll give you the links soon, possibly some ramblings about them, too.

Till then: Farewell and have a great summer!

10.7.08 15:29


'Lightning'

Hehe... Another little oneshot of mine...

It features my favorite line ever: 'In the end, it all comes down to breathing', a few clichés, a different style of writing, a cute/tragic Dramione interaction - dialogue - thingy and the Second War.

I love writing war stories, simply because I love the whole 'doomed love, because we're enemies' stuff, but this isn't even one of them, it simply deals with the cruelty of it all, how you can't even see whether you're fighting against friend or foe, the mountains of corpses and the endless blood. That it doesn't make any sense at all, is only a waste of life. That's what I think about war and I liked putting it in words.

I originally had that scene in my head, in which Hermione leaves a wounded Draco in the middle of the battlefield - to prove a point - and he knows she will return for him within minutes, and that he'll be dead by then. That was the idea.

Of course, once I started writing, I couldn't fit Dramione romance in, because the story turned out to be about the war more than anything, but that's what stories do and I love it. Now, it's a little cheesier, probably fullfilling a different cliché than the one I'd had in mind, but whatever... I like it a whole lot.

Also, my way of writing. Maybe you noticed, there's hardly one Dramione oneshot that is written the same way than the last one. I love experimenting and these thingies really are prefect opportunities to do so. Try new stuff out without harming a story dear to my heart. *wink*

I really like this one and I hope other people will, too. Please review!

22.5.08 21:49


'Dark'

I changed my pen name from the incredible tackiness that is 'McLonely' to 'Acajou Amarth'.

I only did choose the first one, because I could not think of a single thing. I've been wanting to change it for about a year, but have not been able to come up with anything better.

Now, I chose 'Acajou' - that's the color of my hair in French right now, mahagony - but that someone already had, so I had to find a suitable second name. I wanted something sindarin and I liked the word 'amarth' - it means 'fate'. Yup, that's my new McNickname.  

And no, I still don't have a lot of time or energy or muse or whatever to write, but I decided to publish this oneshot that I've written ages ago - as my first shot at Dramione. And yeah, my English sucks right now: Ignore it.

I wrote this at school, while I was bored - as always. It's incredibly easy to write stuff while having to endure lessons that I don't care about. I'm rather creative at school and I love my black ink, it looks seriously cool. I already have five pages of another Dramione tale called 'The auction'. I like it. When vacation time is over, I'll continue writing.

'Dark' is basically about 26-year-old Hermione being held captive - raped and tortured and half-starved - by the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. The only thing that is giving her strengh to not give up completely is a voice, the voice of someone who is nice  to her, but whose face she has never seen.

You know me, of course the voice belongs to Draco. She even finds out. When he kills her at her request, there's a 'flash of green' - the well-known Avada -  and she sees his face for a second.

I really liked the ending a whole lot, because it's tragic and sad, but nice. I personally prefer cruel Draco, dark Draco, dangerous Draco, but this is more like the character described in the books. Okay, not really, but it's okay, I think. Writing Harry Potter fics always results in OOCness.

I really don't feel like rambling right now, sorry... I might later.

21.5.08 16:15


Why I never update...

I know. I'm a horrible human being. I torture my readers. They always have to wait several weeks before I update. Weeks! Not days! Even days are a lot!

The thing is, right now, my muse is pretty much gone. It's a phenomenon that keeps repeating itself. Every time I'm busy acting, my creativity is completely lacking. Which is weird, but somehow understandable.

You know, I love writing, above all things I love writing. But I also love acting more than anything in the world. And I only have enough creativity and concentration for one of them.

I'm not used to leaving the house so often, I'm definitely not an expert in social contact and I'm not the best actress in the world, but it does take a lot of my strenght, as much as I love it. I'm often too exhausted to write.

If anything, I do stuff I don't care for much, like several Dramione oneshots - that I haven't published yet and maybe never will.

Important things, fics very close and dear to my heart, like 'Shards of glass', they deserve my full attention. So I'm sorta putting it on hiatus. My other unfinished fics, too. I'm awfully sorry about 'Karma', because there are like two or three more chapters to go, on of them is almost finished, but I can't focus on it, so I'm waiting for inspiration.

As sorry as I am to say it: Be prepared to wait for a while, until my performances are over and my muse decides to pay me a visit every once in a while again.

29.4.08 13:15


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