My McBlog - simply because I seriously like rambling...
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Yay, I'm back! Still here, though I'm somewhat defeated and have officially given up trying to be a person with a life.
I'm suffering from the worst case of writer's block - at least concerning my 'Grey's Anatomy' stuff. Dramione is so much easier to write, because I can get angstier, darker there and because it doesn't mean as much to me as e.g. 'Shards of glass'. I am awfully sorry about the constant delay of updates; I hate writers like me, too. Tell my muse to come visit me, yeah?
This particular oneshot is probably the darkest thing I have published so far. Ever since I first read 'Water' by kissherdraco at cg, I've been feeling a tad insignificant, for it is brilliant beyond words (read chapter 12.2 and you'll understand) and I am not. Thus I keep trying to make my stories angstier than I've dared before.
This one deals with rape and violence against children. Not necessarily my cup of tea and I wasn't going to write it that way when I typed the first words, but somehow the storyline started developing that way, so I let it - as always.
I wanted betrayal, the moment when Draco wakes up and finds Hermione has told the Order members his whereabouts. The "I'm sorry. I really am sorry.". That's as far as I had it. I basically wrote the last scenes first.
Then I needed to find a way to get there and I had the picture of Draco sitting behind Hermione in the bathtub washing her hair in my head - which turned out to be rather small in the fic, but is one of my favorite moments in it anyway.
And upon thinking "Just what exactly could have happened to make them be together, possibly in love?" I came up with a completely angsty solution. I made Draco as evil as possible - seriously, I was sitting there thinking of the worst things a human being can do to another - and he turned out quite well, I suppose. I've always been a sucker for the really bad guys.
Then he wanted to find Hermione injured and unconscious, so I let him. Whether her wounds and critical state where actually a trap by the Order is up to the reader to decide. Originally, it was supposed to be that way, but I didn't want to write it out, so I didn't.
I had the whole gentleness thing, the short mentioning of his obsession with her back in school, but that didn't work as well as I wanted it to, so Draco beat and raped her, only to take care of her afterwards. That worked. Definitely evil enough.
I didn't want Draco to change, that's why even in the last scene he only feels "lost and somewhat sad", not guilty, full of shame and regret and remorse and love for Hermione. You see, the guy doesn't know love, so he can hardly call what he and Hermione have shared 'love'. He probably is in love anyway.
The kiss was like a soft interlude, I liked that, and it made Draco let her go, simply because he didn't like seeing her so upset and he didn't feel like killing her. Because he would have, had anyone found out about her being with him and still alive.
Her return was his doom, but I wanted him to make love to her anyway. That gave me the situation I'd written before and it fit.
Hermione's POV? Well, I think she's not happy about betraying him, no matter what he's done to her, because he's also done things for her. Perhaps she's even in love with him? Who knows? Not even I do. Let the readers decide for themselves.
I loved the picture of her standing there in the middle of the crowd celebrating Draco's Dementor's kiss, weeping softly. The entire scene was great to write, even though I'm not quite sure about the whole "no regret, because-..." part. It was different in the beginning and then I wanted to change it, but now I think I should have just left it out...
And that's that. I like it a whole fucking much, even though the title sucks.
I'm currently writing an OC vampire story and one of the characters - his name's Ray - is pretty much exactly like the Draco we have here. I always did want to work with a person so deeply destroyed and trying it out in this fic was fun.
The vampire story is incredibly difficult to write, because I have entire scenes completely planned out in my head. I know everything about them, the sound, the backround noises, the scenery, the faces, the facial expressions, the clothes, the camera ankles... So I'm writing it as a script, which I don't know how to do. Can't make a book out of it until the script is finished.
And I really wish I had more plot. The only thing I'm really good at is character design and relationships between them. But it'd be a great movie anyway. I'm a sucker for vampires. Pun intended. *grin*
I have also published three poems at fictionpress. I'll give you the links soon, possibly some ramblings about them, too.
Till then: Farewell and have a great summer!
Hehe... Another little oneshot of mine...
It features my favorite line ever: 'In the end, it all comes down to breathing', a few clichés, a different style of writing, a cute/tragic Dramione interaction - dialogue - thingy and the Second War.
I love writing war stories, simply because I love the whole 'doomed love, because we're enemies' stuff, but this isn't even one of them, it simply deals with the cruelty of it all, how you can't even see whether you're fighting against friend or foe, the mountains of corpses and the endless blood. That it doesn't make any sense at all, is only a waste of life. That's what I think about war and I liked putting it in words.
I originally had that scene in my head, in which Hermione leaves a wounded Draco in the middle of the battlefield - to prove a point - and he knows she will return for him within minutes, and that he'll be dead by then. That was the idea.
Of course, once I started writing, I couldn't fit Dramione romance in, because the story turned out to be about the war more than anything, but that's what stories do and I love it. Now, it's a little cheesier, probably fullfilling a different cliché than the one I'd had in mind, but whatever... I like it a whole lot.
Also, my way of writing. Maybe you noticed, there's hardly one Dramione oneshot that is written the same way than the last one. I love experimenting and these thingies really are prefect opportunities to do so. Try new stuff out without harming a story dear to my heart. *wink*
I really like this one and I hope other people will, too. Please review!
I decided to stop writing about my life here. I even started a real diary and I'm pretty sure it'll be okay, I'll use it.
The thing that always upset me about writing here was not that it was public, but that it wasn't written by hand. You know, it's so cool, finding old diaries. You can touch them, feel them, smell them, see them.
Online, things are way less personal. I need this little bit of intimacy and secrecy that is a real diary.
My diary is beautiful. It has Shakespeare's handwriting on it and looks really great. If you decide to follow that link, you can take a look at it.
Anyway, that's that. I'm sorry my writing here has come to such a sudden end, but it's better this way. I will continue rambling about my fanfictions and other stories, though.
Thank you for reading.
I changed my pen name from the incredible tackiness that is 'McLonely' to 'Acajou Amarth'.
I only did choose the first one, because I could not think of a single thing. I've been wanting to change it for about a year, but have not been able to come up with anything better.
Now, I chose 'Acajou' - that's the color of my hair in French right now, mahagony - but that someone already had, so I had to find a suitable second name. I wanted something sindarin and I liked the word 'amarth' - it means 'fate'. Yup, that's my new McNickname.
And no, I still don't have a lot of time or energy or muse or whatever to write, but I decided to publish this oneshot that I've written ages ago - as my first shot at Dramione. And yeah, my English sucks right now: Ignore it.
I wrote this at school, while I was bored - as always. It's incredibly easy to write stuff while having to endure lessons that I don't care about. I'm rather creative at school and I love my black ink, it looks seriously cool. I already have five pages of another Dramione tale called 'The auction'. I like it. When vacation time is over, I'll continue writing.
'Dark' is basically about 26-year-old Hermione being held captive - raped and tortured and half-starved - by the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. The only thing that is giving her strengh to not give up completely is a voice, the voice of someone who is nice to her, but whose face she has never seen.
You know me, of course the voice belongs to Draco. She even finds out. When he kills her at her request, there's a 'flash of green' - the well-known Avada - and she sees his face for a second.
I really liked the ending a whole lot, because it's tragic and sad, but nice. I personally prefer cruel Draco, dark Draco, dangerous Draco, but this is more like the character described in the books. Okay, not really, but it's okay, I think. Writing Harry Potter fics always results in OOCness.
I really don't feel like rambling right now, sorry... I might later.
So, first performance/premiere/opening night is in four days. And I suck. I suck big time. My acting is horrible. I'm once more just not good enough. For whom? Myself, I s'ppose. I sometimes wish I could go back to hiding, but in the fucking limelight, you just can't do that.
I hate how scared I already am. It hasn't even really started yet and I'm already frightened enough to have more panic attacks, even though I have less time.
Those panic attack thingies are rather interesting, by the way. Okay, they're painful and you can't breathe and you just want it to end, because the only other option would be ending your life, but the way they start has me sort of - dare I say it - intrigued.
The thing is, I'm alone at home for four or five days. Which means I can finally live by my inner clock. My own life and all. Conveniently, it's also vacation time, so I can literally stay up till 4 am or something, listening to music via youtube, reading Dramione fics and eating stuff. Throw in the occasional talking to myself and - don't forget those - my panic attacks and you get the sort of life I'd live if I had my own apartment.
Anyway, I was talking 'bout my PAs (yeah, it looks ridiculous, writing 'panic attack' in every sentence, possibly more than once, so I'm using that short form thingy). The thing is, I mostly get those when I'm - surprise, surprise - enjoying the pain the stories inflict on me. Dunno. I'm relishing in, craving for, eternally grateful for the fanfictions' ability to make me suffer. Stupid enough, they also make me feel inferior, because there are better authors out there than me. And the lack of my own lovelife keeps drowning me anyway, so it's not that much of a surprise I get panic attacks while reading painful scenes.
What astounds me, though, is that I sometimes get them without a warning or an indicator. They just start. That's crazy and horrible and suffocating, but interesting. A mystery waiting to be solved.
Do I sound weird? I think I sound weird. Anyway, good night.
Yeah, I'm still alive, sorta. Just thought I should let you know.
Truth is, I miss writing here, a whole lot even. But I cannot find the time. Seriously, I'm so busy! Usually, I hardly ever leave the house/my room and now I barely find a minute of peace! Well, I love it, being needed, but I'm also completely exhausted. Like I said, I'm not used to it.
It's three to five rehersals a week, every one of them takes two to three hours (Yesterday, I had a FOUR hour rehersal!), plus Aikido, plus - hypothetical - singing lessons (I had to skip a few due to my lack of time...), plus school, plus friends (Hey, it's weird enough I finally have friends, I can't just not pay them any mind, right?), plus family. You know how much stuff that is for someone who is completely content with spending day and night in her room doing absolutely nothing whatsoever?
It's starting to show. I space off more than I usually do, either I'm fully focused on a thing or I don't even realize it's there at all. A little bit stupid, but hey, that's me. I'm used to being totally pathetic.
Talking 'bout pathetic: Yesterday, I didn't even have time for a panic attack! Yay! *sigh* I'm so gonna miss the stress... Back to two of those a day...
I was so busy running from that place to the other and back again and then there and then concentrating on that and being in that sort of environment and then hurrying back to that life and then this... Posters, rehersal, my friend's birthday...
I left the house 10.45 am, then returned for a half hour or so (15.05 - 15.45 pm), then rehersal from 17.00 to 21.30 pm, back home (22.10 pm), shoving some random stuff down my throat - the first food that day - then leaving again (22.35 pm) to go to one of my friend's birthday, staying there till 4.35 am... Yeah, it was as chaotic as it sounds.
It's gonna suck, you know. Last performance. Not quite sure how I'm supposed to survive that. Another nervous breakdown? Will I be able to keep myself from actually doing it this time? I clearly need to be around people that night. Unfortunately, next day's a school day, so I won't be able to stay up - and safe - for long.
It's incredibly dangerous, leaving me alone in a moment like this. When I lose control, I can't do anything to prevent it. The only thing I can do is watch and hope it'll be over soon and that I'm still alive afterwards. WHICH SUCKS SO MUCH!
God damnit, I'm 16! I'm not supposed to know that sort of pain. Right? I shouldn't have experienced it when I was 13 and I certainly shouldn't stills suffer the consequenses! I should not be this person!
I'm enjoying it while it lasts, of course, and I'm absolutely gloriously happy, but what the fuck am I supposed to do about my anger? My fear? I really do have panic attacks. It's hard enough making it out of them alive, but after the last performance... Well, back to not being needed anymore...
You know, right now, I can't die. I just can't. It's not an option, because my director would possibly raise me from the dead to kill me if I did. And I love acting so fucking much... I also adore hanging out with those people, they're all so cool...
And after the damn last performance, it'll all be gone. Again.
You know, there's a reason for my being a coward. I never leave the house, I never do anything, I simply wait for things to happen, because you can't lose what you don't have.
I have friends, these days. That scares the crap out of me. I am needed, on stage, I am needed. That scares me even more. Do you have any clue how difficult it is, not thinking about losing it all, all the time? Whenever I'm not busy, I think about it. And that's just seriously screwed/messed/fucked up.
I hate being who I am, it makes it impossible for me to find a moment of peace. And I also hate that once more I'm screaming out for help via the internet. I'm baring my soul here. It's beyond pathetic, especially because noone reads this anyway. I mentioned/rambled about it before: This is like a diary for me. You don't publish diaries. How sick am I really? I should be locked up, you know. Thread to myself.
I just noticed how eloquently this whole thingy is written. Hehe, I'm writing about my fucking life as if it was nothing but a damn book! I dare say this ruins my credibility. But what else am I supposed to write? How? I never write anything that doesn't sound completely dramatic, it's my style of writing, can't change that. *sigh*
I assume it's enough for now. Let's just say that I'm as happy as I can be. Wouldn't be a lie. Not the truth either, but certainly no lie. I'm a roller coaster. Either completely high or completely down. And the better the highs, the worse are the lows. Savvy?
Why I never update...
I know. I'm a horrible human being. I torture my readers. They always have to wait several weeks before I update. Weeks! Not days! Even days are a lot!
The thing is, right now, my muse is pretty much gone. It's a phenomenon that keeps repeating itself. Every time I'm busy acting, my creativity is completely lacking. Which is weird, but somehow understandable.
You know, I love writing, above all things I love writing. But I also love acting more than anything in the world. And I only have enough creativity and concentration for one of them.
I'm not used to leaving the house so often, I'm definitely not an expert in social contact and I'm not the best actress in the world, but it does take a lot of my strenght, as much as I love it. I'm often too exhausted to write.
If anything, I do stuff I don't care for much, like several Dramione oneshots - that I haven't published yet and maybe never will.
Important things, fics very close and dear to my heart, like 'Shards of glass', they deserve my full attention. So I'm sorta putting it on hiatus. My other unfinished fics, too. I'm awfully sorry about 'Karma', because there are like two or three more chapters to go, on of them is almost finished, but I can't focus on it, so I'm waiting for inspiration.
As sorry as I am to say it: Be prepared to wait for a while, until my performances are over and my muse decides to pay me a visit every once in a while again.
Acting the second
Had a rehersal again, yesterday, and it was awesome! I think I wasn't boring that time, even sorta funny - which definitely is an improvement - and acting is so much fun! It's one hell of a high, and I'm very sorry for you if you never get to try it.
Problem no 1: I had to walk in high-heels. Did I ever wear high-heels before yesterday? No. Were the shoes my size? No. Hehe.. Let's just say, it was an intersting experience, even though I almost fell/actually fell several times, didn't quite know how to stand straight and my feet were an aching mess after 3 hours in them. *grin* Brought the damn shoes home with me and now I need to practice walking. Good luck, girl...
Problem no 2: I had to dance. I am so fucking bad at dancing! But it's absolutely hilarious and I'm meant to fall on the floor during dancing anyway, so it's really nice.
Problem no 3: I need to change on stage. As in, change clothes. Well, I'm fine with that, but I'm not all together sure you can't see through that paravan thingy. I mean, I'd even get naked on stage - 'cause hell, who cares? If it's my part, I'll do it, that's how I function. - but it's still a little weird, right?
Problem no 4: For the rest of the scene, I have to keep a straight face, absolutely stunned, expressionless, while people interact - in a funny way, I might add. You see, I tried that one before, in "Where the heart is", and unfortunately, my face always twisted into a quick smile before I could stop it, especially when the audience reacted. And this scene is way longer! It's even rather exhausting, staring into the air for that long! Help! I practiced today, in Politics. Sat there with a straight face for a while. Unfortunately, Politics is not a funny subject, so it was no challenge. It simply made me want to fall asleep. *sigh*
Anyway, those are my current troubles. But I think I'll manage, and it's so much fun, it's really, really worth it.
'Darkness and light'
Yeah, I know the title sucks big time, but I don't care. This is probably my favorite Dramione oneshot of 'em all.
It's incredibly dark, though I didn't get too graphic, and I think it's full of magic (no, not necessarily literal magic *rolls eyes*), desperation, need, angst, pain, desire,-... love? Maybe. I didn't want to decide whether they were in love.
In my eyes - which are actually the ones of a objective observer - they're simply a man and a woman who seem to need each other in a way neither can explain. A need born out of the desperation of war, an ancient hate, and a single meeting on a clearing of the Forbidden Forest.
OH CRAP! The thing's not called 'Forbidden Forest' in English! Shit! It's 'Dark Forest'! ARGH! Just remembered... This is the reason why I never should have read the books in German.
Anyway. I'm in love with this rather short oneshot. I love the atmosphere, the mental image it provokes, how 'our hero and our heroine' behave around each other... It really is dark. I'm such a sucker for dark stories!
It's about Draco and Hermione, obviously, and the way they keep running to each other, for physical comfort that is actually completely violent. Yeah, I'm talking about sex. Brutal, wounding sex. Physical need, someone to hold on to even though it's in a sick and twisted way, to hurt to get rid of your own pain...
In my second-last sentence I described it as unexpected "peace (...) in the middle of the war". It's a weird thing, describing something so dark and messed up as "peace", but I think it fits.
It might not be very realistic and obviously Draco and Hermione are completely OOC (that means 'out of character', btw), but it's fascinating, isn't it? I don't even know just how exactly I ended up writing that story. I simply started typing something and then this happened. Awesome. I should do that more often.
I introduced them as "our hero" and "our heroine", which I kinda find awfully cool. I hardly ever write that way, and it was nice and challenging, trying out a new style of writing.
Yeah, anyway. I noticed, in the middle of writing, that they're quite interesting: Hermione looks darker than Draco, especially in the night, while Draco looks like a god damn angel in the moonlight. Hehehe... It's interesting, isn't it? They represent complete opposites, no matter which way you look at them, but in their encounters, they switch parts. Cool, huh? *wink*
Yup, I love it. Hope, you do, too. I might write more Dramione oneshots, I appear to be in the mood. Doesn't mean I'll abandon Addex, of course. I'm simply going with my heart, and right now it says: Write the things that are occupying your mind first, then focus on the stuff that is really important to you so you can do it justice.
Have a great day!
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So, I survived my first flamer and got seven reviews for my first try at Dramione. And since I seem to be rather inspired and creative these days, I simply kept writing.
This morning in school, I wrote a little oneshot called 'Irony'. It came to me during the bus ride and I started as soon as I could get my hands on an empty sheet of paper.
Basically, it's about a moment in 'Deathly Hallows', even though I - shame on me - can't really remember it that clearly. You know, the one where Hermione is being tortured by Bellatrix (at least I hope it was her!)? I wanted Draco to be nauseated at the cruelty.
Let's face it: Draco Malfoy? The world's greatest coward. Not Death Eater material. I dare say he didn't enjoy watching Hermione suffer in the book either, though he used to do his best to make her life hell at school. There's hell and there's hell. And Draco? Definitely not a fan of violence, mean little bully or not.
It's not bloody Shakespeare (In fact, it's not even written Shakespearish, I just wanted to write that, because I watched 'Love Actually' for the xth time yesterday and the line's stuck in my brain...), it's not brilliant, but it's nice to read and - as much as it pains me to say (not really, as a matter of fact, I love it): Non-romance. It's simply a human feeling in Draco: Compassion.
I didn't want to do another cliché story, so I pretty much kept to the book - as far as I could remember it. God, I definitely have to read it again right away! I was honestly a little embarrassed to find I'd forgotten so much!
My favorite part of it is definitely the last scene, where they meet again in the room of requirement and Draco's just relieved to see her okay, even though he'd never admit it.
I wanted to write about her pain, mostly, and it was supposed to get a little angstier than it turned out. I got distracted with Draco's Death Eater experiences.
What I adored was the part with how he'd played on the very floor she was now being Cruciated on as a kid.
I absolutely hate the title. I couldn't come up with a good one! It's a little pathetic, I think. *sigh*
Anyway, gotta go. I liked the story and I hope some readers will like it as well!