My McBlog - simply because I seriously like rambling...
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'Live forever, die alone - Amor Aeternus'
Now this story is quite interesting.
Let's start with the title. I spend a lot of time trying to come up with one that actually makes the potential readers actual readers and still captures the story. I can't say I'm pleased with what I did end up having as a title, but it's okay.
I - oddly - worked with one of Jack's (from 'LOST') quotes: "If we don't learn to live together, we're gonna die alone." or something. That's a 'live together, die alone', which came pretty close to my storyline. So all I did was write 'live FOREVER, die alone' and there was my title.
Part two of it is simply the name of the ancient magic keeping Draco and Hermione together through the ages.
Now that. That I hadn't had in mind when I started writing. But as usual, the characters took over the story with their very own ideas
I totally forgot to write about it here: I actually did write a second chapter. I think I published it about three weeks ago or so... Honestly can't remember.
I'm in the middle of rehersals again and damn grateful for that, because it keeps the focus off of me and on important things. Staying alive isn't quite as difficult when I don't have time to think about killing myself.
But that was not my point. My point was: I can't quite remember when I published Chapter Two. However, I do remember writing it. I've had it half-finished forever and then decided to take mercy on it and write the ending. I was delighted I had readers (and reviewers) who liked it.
Most of them liked this chapter better than the first and I totally have to agree. I just don't seem to be able to get into Hermione's head, so I keep writing in Draco's POV. It's easier for me somehow - don't ask me why, I have no idea whatsoever.
It's not that inconvenient when only writing oneshots, but if I ever decided to start a multi chapter story, I'd soon be pretty much lost for words. Which - among other things - is the reason I keep to short stories.
Like I said, I love the chapter. It's quite well written and Draco's astoundingly in character - I think. As in character as you can get considering JKR only works with stereotypes (no offence). Let's just say I took her Draco Malfoy and added a bit of depth.
I don't have much to say, I think what I wrote pretty much speaks for itself. It's an okay story - pretty basic plot, though. It's been done a thousand times before and probably better in most of the cases, too. But yeah. Nothing to be ashamed of.
'If you could see me now'
I wrote that approximately two months ago, but after publishing 'Sanity', which - my personal opinion - is definitely the best Dramione oneshot of mine, it sort of felt a little trivial and insignificant.
I reencountered it by accident and decided it wasn't as horrible as I'd been sure it was. And since dear muse appears to have gone back to whereever it was she's from, I don't have anything else to publish. And that's that.
I sort of like it, but it's not a masterpiece. Post-war stories are somewhat interesting and I'm somewhat fond of them and the possibilities that simply ignoring that stupid epilogue brings with it are fantastic!
Hermione is the last one left of the Golden Trio and the only person she still knows from that time just happens to be Draco Malfoy. And he treats her like crap, but she sleeps with him anyway (getting him drunk and taking advantage of her, since he'd never touch her otherwise).
I like the way I wrote it, it's a tiny bit different from everything else. And especially the last paragraph was fun to write.
But like I said - it's nothing special. And people apparently aren't very fond of stories without happy endings - they keep demanding a sequel! Sorry, this was meant to be a oneshot!
That said... Rock on!
Story of my life
Hehe, I've been listening to too much Green Day. 'American Idiot' is my favorite album, since it was my first. Have you ever noticed you like the one CD by the same band (that might have made higher quality ones, too) you've owned longest and listened to the most often the most? Emotional connection is everything.
Whatever. I was attempting to explain something to (imaginary)you. 'American Idiot' is not only because of 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' (which is the story of my life) the best, but also because of the tale it tells.
St. Jimmy, Whatsername and co. I absolutely love the way it describes a youth by talking about something else. Fictional characters that stand for real people, places, symbolism, everything is a little bit altered but you get exactly what they're talking about. You can even feel it. Conjuring images in the audience's head only makes everything stronger.
And this is what I'm actually trying to say: I've been looking for a way to write about my life as if it was a different thing. As if I was living in a different world.
What I came up with?
Well, everyone knows I call myself a vampire and these days I feel 600 years old. I'm unknown, but have an identity. Thus I'm calling myself (I only just decided) Jane Catherine Doe. I guess you know what a Jane Doe is (and I'm currently writing a story about one), the Catherine's simply in there to emphasise the 'I am an actual person with emotions and an identity that noone but me knows and perhaps not even I do' thing.
I recently made a pact with death, so I suppose I can make it a person. Karma, too. They live in the same street, door-to-door neighbors. And Melody, of course. Don't forget Melody, standing for my muse and the music the name is born out of.
And there it is: My own fictional world to live in.
If I was a songwriter, I could write an album, too. But unfortunately I suck at that. The only song of mine that actually is good, 'Home of the Lost and the Broken' would work perfectly well with the rest, though... Perhaps maybe eventually.
Anyway, that's all I'm saying. I've been around eternities and still don't belong here. I'm a 600-year-old vampire and I never owned a castle to go up in flames.
I live by the rules of 'No regrets' these days. As I've told you a million times before, I'm a huge fan of analyzing and finding out what I really want is actually quite easy this way. Simply chose the path that you'd regret not taking.
I've made my share of mistakes, some stupid decisions, bad ideas I acted upon, but ever since 'No regrets' is the one constant in my mind, I do things the way I want to do them. Even though I still make do things wrong, of course, sometimes even knowingly.
Just say 'Screw the consequenses' and live. No matter whether the consequenses really are horrible. At least you followed your inner voice. If it says "but I want to...", then let it lead the way. But don't regret things. Regrets ruin the glory that is life.
I'm also angry. Finally. I might have mentioned it before, but I'm fucking grateful for it. Finally breaking through the passivity. Anger feels divine. I don't know why anybody does drugs.
Other than that... News about my life: I bought a hat. It's really cool and I'm so in love with it I wear it every minute I'm allowed to (not in class).
I'm in the middle of rehersals for two plays.
I HATE SCHOOL! No fucking energy left to deal with that as well as the rest of my problems and things to do. I'm tired. No, exhausted. And real life is messy and weird. And perhaps maybe the closest thing to a real life I've ever had.
And I'm going to shut up now. This is ridiculous. Have you noticed I've lost all my eloquence? My phrases are all gone. I only use the simplest stuff I can think of for there is no space in my head for more complicated ones.
Just a few general thingies
Thought I might just as well write about some things here, too. I can't believe it either, but I still write in my diary - even started the second one. It's a bit creepy, since I never managed to keep doing that for more than, like, two weeks. And I so prefer typing... More information faster way more eloquently put. And in English.
I miss the English. I miss the writing. I miss the daily highs. I'm a disappointment to my readers, seeing as I simply don't update. I have no freaking clue just how I'm supposed to start writing again if I never have time anymore? Seriously!
Even the holidays were too hectic and filled with stuff to do and dates (Haha, not what you think. I don't date. I don't believe in dating. I have enough problems without dating.) and places to be... I wrote like 16 pages tops, including the 8 pages of 'Sanity'. Last year, the summer holidays were spent writing a freakin' hundred pages for 'Why we can't hate Dr McDreamy' alone!
It's not that I'm lazy or anything - as a matter of fact the issue is that I'm too busy. I'm already in the middle of rehersing three (!) different plays, including (and there's some irony in that) a new version of 'Scrooge'. Been there, done that. Or not. It really is a different play.
And I have friends. Still. Creepy, ain't it? But I like it. One day a week (approximately), we meet. I've been neglecting them quite a bit while I was actually so busy that I was barely home (and accidentally lost a few kilos by simply never having time to eat), and now I have to make up for lost time. They're seriously awesome. It's a shame you'll never meet them. We're very different people, but that makes the whole thing so much more fun.
My family is taking a lot of my time as well, especially my dear sis. She's in the middle of puberty, meaning she so needs attention. We've never gotten along quite as well as we do these days. I'm keeping her entertained and because she can't be mad at me, it's more fun than a burden. I actually enjoy it a whole fucking lot. She's really great.
And when school starts again, I'll have even less time for myself. As in no time. Aikido, singing lessons, acting, studying, family, friends, more acting (because we're getting close to a new premiere here) and let's not forget eating and drinking and sleeping. And absolutely no booze.
I made a rule: No alcohol on school days and respective weekends. Exception only, if there's a REALLY very special occasion. I guess I won't be able to keep to that rule completely, but hell... I've been known to bend rules without breaking them.
Then again, I did break Rule Number One and now I'm suffering the consequenses. No fun, I can tell you. I can't elaborate, but PLEASE care not to break Rule Number One. It's such a bloody mess.
It did help make me angry, though. I very much appreciate that. I hate myself for handling the situation, but I indeed manage to be more angry than scared at last. It's like someone lifted the weight of the world from my shoulders. Very... liberating. I love being angry... Fear sucks. Anger rules.
And that's that. I really don't know how to squeeze 'writing' into my timetable. But maybe it'll turn out alright.
Yeah, well... Have a great time. I need to go hide under a blanket.
Holidays are almost over...
So many things have happened the last few weeks, I didn't even have time to think about school. In fact, I was so distracted that the thought I'd have to get back to school eventually was completely new to me when I stumbled across it yesterday.
11th grade now. Three more years. And the fucking grades now really start to matter. You know how much that particular fact freaks me out? A lot! I still haven't learned how to study, my self-discipline needs a lot of working on and since I never really cared about school (I stopped around 6th grade, what does that tell you?) it's going to be really hard focusing it or even considering it a priority.
I'm not looking forward to the next few years. I'm too old to go to school!
The thing is: Our class is falling apart (literally, it's rather sure we'll be seperated), chances are non-existent we'll have my two favorite teachers - meaning Maths will be horrible again and Latin go back to the usual drag. Which'll make the whole thing even worse.
Plus, I have so many other things to worry about, even vacation time was not exactly letting me catch a breath or relax or whatever. I'm exhausted and that without having to worry about grades and get up at 6.45 am!
The only possitive aspect about this is that autumn's just around the corner and I'll get to wear my leather jacket again soon...
That particular little oneshot was basically born out of the same idea that has already turned into 'Lightning'. I'm talking about the whole Hermione leaving a wounded Draco on the battle field and he knows she'll be back and he'll be dead then. This is still not what I originally had in mind, but I tried writing that and it didn't work, so I assume this was my last attempt to put this idea into words.
It was also inspired by several pictures at 'Amour invitus', showing Draco and Hermione by the lake - the whole forbidden love cliché par excellence. I just love the whole hyper romantic atmosphere thing, I can't help it. Usually, I'm not that much of a sucker for that type of cliché, but it is beautiful, don't you agree?
'Sanity' is one of my longer oneshots and though I seriously love them all, definitely one of my very favorites.
I'm completely in love with the way it conjures pictures in your head, even though I hardly wrote anything but dialogue. The two narrating parts at the beginning and the end are plain and simple and keeping to minimum, but still tell you all you have to know. In fact, I think more words would spoil it. It's very expressive this way. And the dialogue itself it somewhat amazing, because you can somehow see it happening like this and feel what they're going through without stupid in-between lines. Plus, it's in character, I think.
There are some cute aspects to their relationship going from mere acceptance of the other's presence to civility and peaceful co-existence to a fragile friendship of sorts to actual mutual liking and perhaps maybe (btw, I always wanted to use that term in one of my stories) more.
I love how soft the changes are and how both Draco and Hermione have problems trusting each other. The hesitant attempts to make conversation, wanting to know school stuff and all... Draco not knowing how to communicate, with the horribly overdone almost victorian way of talking... That was really nice, don't you agree?
Oooh! I loved the part when Hermione was asleep and he was insulted by her not answering him and the slight desperation because he'd been nice to her and not calling her 'mudblood' anymore and all that. Their relationship is based on Draco feeling lonely.
Let's face it. Calling Crabbe or Goyle or Pansy his friends would make him look a bit pathetic, wouldn't it? That's the drawback about being a Slytherin. You can't afford real friends. Hermione though, her friendship with Harry and Ron is completely genuine and she doesn't depend on Malfoy of all people being nice to her. Their mutual understanding is really born out of the fact that Draco doesn't have anybody he can really talk to.
This oneshot might be the most canon thing I have ever written, apart from 'Irony'.
The 'soft cake' bit, I mostly wrote, because that day I'd been eating a whole fucking lot of them (they're my favorites), but I think it worked out nicely, because they are muggle stuff and Draco naturally has to struggle with that a tiny little bit.
I adore writing drunk characters, since I think the whole 'no inhibitions' thing makes people so much more interesting (including me). Hermione is especially nice to get drunk, seeing as she is sort of an uptight prude in real life, as horrible as that sounds.
My favorite line:
“Ya name. Draco. I love saying it, ‘cause ‘t sounds as if it’s dripping with deliciousness.”
So true, isn't it? His name is so hot. I still wonder why JKR gave him that particular name. It's too huge and awesome for the coward she had in mind when designing the character. All her other names are completely stereotypical, perfect fits for the parts the persons had to play. But 'Draco' doesn't sound like a spoiled rich kid or a mean little playground bully or a coward. It sounds too strong for a character that weak. Not that I complain. His name is part of the charm that is fanfiction him. And I'm so drawn to hot names...
Hehe, I adored the drunken kiss and Draco's reaction, but the sober again interaction and that kiss was even more adorable. I very much enjoyed writing it. Especially because it didn't say 'They kissed', but I let the characters do all the explaining. Literally! I tried something new out there and it worked out perfectly!
Uh-oh... Now we're getting to the part that happened after Draco almost killed Dumbledore. I'm sticking to the HBP plot, you may have noticed. Hermione's anger is painful. Especially the "You had me there, right in your arms, in your fucking arms and all you did was kiss me back! Do you know how much that disgusts me? Just thinking about it makes me sick!”. That was almost too cruel, don't you think?
I really was looking for the worst things she could throw at him. I wanted him to be really hurt by what she was saying. And mostly just hating himself. He does run off in the end. That part is especially painful. I think I did a good job there.
I was just thinking, had I really kept to the HBP plot, Draco would have had even more reason to be down and in need of a friend, and even more defensive and Hermione would have noticed that bit. So I guess, I didn't keep to the plot a hundred percently. But I still like it and it's pretty close to being canon.
I killed Draco. I tend to do that, you may have noticed. At the end of my oneshots, he's mostly even more miserable than he's been at the beginning or he doesn't even live anymore. I appear to like destroying him. Hm... Must be my eternal adoration for dark stuff and unfulfilled love.
Ah, by the way, the way Hermione didn't say 'I love you' in the end, but left the sentence unfinished... That was awesome. And perhaps making the clichéishness of it all seem less severe.
I think the story in this oneshot is pretty well-done and touching and the way it's written is nice as well. Thus (or ergo), I'm rather proud of myself for it. Melody (that's my muse's name, in case you can't remember) was back for it, as well, so I guess I owe her a big 'thank you'.
I'm glad I had some readers who liked it and added it to favorites! Means a lot to me!
I can't believe it either: I actually finished the chapter. I'd had it half-done for at least seven months now and finally I managed to convince myself working on it might be a good idea.
I haven't been doing a lot of writing lately, but apparently my muse is floating outside my window, peeking inside, trying to figure out whether giving me a tad inspiration might be a good idea. The window's open, by the way, so it's really up to her.
Even though my own creativity (and energy) has mainly been focused on acting and weird real life stuff, I did some mental growing and developing and even more thinking than ususal.
I've been rather introspective, but also been working on character design and different ways of getting some style into my creations. I've been watching people, analysing them and thinking about storylines (for once not putting too much into one tale, but actually regarding the personalities and ACTUAL ideas of plots).
My main topics will always be love, death (especially suicide) and the sick and twisted way the human mind works, with emphasis on relationships between different people. More than anything, I love stories, in which characters collide, are forced to get to know each other by circumstances and then develop a very fragile connection, so my focus will always be on that sort of stuff.
The last few weeks, I have taken a look at all the potential stories I got on my laptop and was surprised to see most of them are quite well-written and rather interesting, especially my original stuff. I dare say some of them are even a-fucking-mazing. I worked a bit on a few of them and was happy to see my muse (let's call her Melody, because I love music and it's not the name I'd give my kids, but sort of cool and unusual) hesitantly watch me from afar.
When I finally managed to start writing 'The diaries of Jane Doe', my big project that I have all planned out but there's still enough air for the characters do do what they want, I think Melody even smiled at me. Seriously, it's a great story and I really hope I can get someplace with it.
I also worked on 'Why we can't hate Dr McDreamy'. Yeah, I can't believe it either. Let's just say, the story's too good to not be written. 'Shards of glass', however, I did not touch. I want to be really good at what I'm doing again before I concentrate on something that means so fucking much to me.
And now, on to 'Karma'.
It's not the best thing I ever wrote, but at least it's an update! I even got reviews - which I didn't necessarily expect after my long absense.
Like I mentioned before, I'd already had most of the chapter written before this, but my passive-aggressive case of writer's block was so severe and rude to me that I couldn't make myself finish it.
I had a very hard time writing Naomi and Violet, because the only part of 'Private Practise' I ever watched was the 'Grey's' episode that had the characters in it. And I'm not sure at all I'm even close. They might be completely different people. Plus, I don't know whether Vi and Addie are as close to each other as described in my story. But hell, that's what you get for writing fanfictions about things you know nothing about.
The only part about this chapter that I really like is the end of the Alex/Melody (oh, my muse stole her name) 'conversation', even though her monologue didn't turn out quite as nicely as I'd wanted it to. I love the dry "I want a divorce" with the crooked grin after she kept yelling at him and wouldn't let him speak. And the "About damn time" was so much fun to write, I still remember doing that and it was ages ago.
Everything else was simply done because it had to be done. It's a filler, really, but a necessary one. I think the story will have only one or two more chapters, possibly an epilogue. It's definitely the closest to being a finished story I've been in ages.
Okay, that's it for today. Just so you know what I've been doing (at least the part that concerns the writing). Bye, c ya someday.
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'The diaries of Jane Doe'
Just wanted to tell you that I'm still alive and kicking, at least as much as I can be, and introduce an OC story of mine to you.
It's not a fanfiction and it's not in English (yet, since I decided I should try writing it in German in order to be able to publish it), but I am sort of proud of the idea, even though writing it is hard, especially in German. I haven't done that in a while and my writer's block still hasn't completely gone away, so I'm having a hard time finding the right words or any words at all.
Anyway, that's the basic story: Jane Doe (because we/I don't know her yet, not her age, not her exact personality, not her looks, only her sex) has lost her diaries (what exactly they contain, I don't know either) and several (I think 4) people find them. These people are busy living lives of their own and dealing (or not dealing) with their respective problems, but get drawn into the things happening in the diaries anyway. Some start investigating (Simon), some start living in them (Helena), some start meeting people they know from them (Alisa), some start falling in love with the writer and person of Jane Doe (Tommy)... These people find salvation in the books, confront their own reality with it, change and eventually meet.
And that's when we get to the dramatic finale...
Those are the characters... 'Pleased to make your acquaintance'.
Tommy - 19, completely messed up on so many levels; I stole him from real life and don't know quite yet whether I can actually use him or not, but the story does not work without him
Helena - 65, has lost her memory; I'm not quite sure about her, I always knew I wanted a character who looks like her, but I only just started 'finding' her story
Alisa - 32, mother and wife; she has quite an interesting connection with the others, always indirect, but definitely present, especially with Simon
Simon - 28, drug dealer and regular guy; his twin brother is damn important in the storyline, though I'm not quite sure about the rest of his plot
They somehow find out Jane Doe is a psychopath, who tries to get attention - a family (!) - with these 'diaries'. Tommy - who has fallen in love with what he though was her - kills himself, Alisa has lost her family in the course of the storyline, Helena still doesn't know who she is and Simons ends up in jail for putting his brother out of his coma - by killing him. Thus, everyone's far more miserable and alone in the end than they've been in the beginning.